i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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