His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
