SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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