I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
