Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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