mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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