i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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