A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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