thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
