Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
