I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
