my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
