I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
