Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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