woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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