Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
