Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
