I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
