my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
