You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
