just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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