god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
