I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
