Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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