Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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