I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
