so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
