I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
