i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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