Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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