Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
