you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
