The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
