I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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