Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize