I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
