Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
