i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
