you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
