someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
