i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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