We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
