Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize