Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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