I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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