Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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