I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
