Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
