So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
