Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
