That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
