the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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