I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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