Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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