I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
