New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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