i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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