I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
