I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize